Life in a Bottle |
One day, I want to be a writer. Until then, I'm living in a sleepy seaside town. "All magic comes at a price!" |
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NotesAdam: And does he love you? Me: Of course he does. (pauses) He'd better love me! Adam: I like how you picked up a pair of scissors as you said that. -
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NotesMe: (picks up "Zoo" from our magazine delivery) Who's been ordering dirty magazines? Adam: They're not dirty. Me: Yeah, there's nothing dirty about the naked lesbians on the front cover. Adam: (open magazine, a picture of two women making out on a sofa) See, it's an advert for the sofa. Oh look, there's another advert for the same sofa! -
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Ladies
Ricky: (to me) Hey, it's my favourite lady! Adam: Why, thank you! Me: You're not a woman. Adam: You don't know that. Me: True. Adam: At the weekends, I become Nancy! (disappears to his office) -
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We're All Nuts At Work
Viv: Who set the sweets up like that? Me: (pointing at Adam) He did it! Adam: Yeah, because- Viv: Children, please! -
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Notes SweetsAdam: (picks up a bag of haribo smurfs and puts on a squeaky voice) No! Don't eat us! Don't eat us! Me: You are a madman. -
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Have a Nice Day
Me: (to a cashier) Thank you, have a nice day! Me: (to Rob) I really need to get out of that habit. I'm not serving people, I'm being served. (ten minutes later) Me: (to another cashier) Thanks, have a nice day! Rob: I thought you were going to stop that. -
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Tattoos
Me: Is that a butterfly tattoo on your chest? Adam: Yeah. I have lots of butterflies (lifts his shirt) see, they go all the way onto my back. Me: That's neat. Adam: And I have fairies on my back. I'll show you when we have no customers. Me: Surely the tattooist looked at you funny when you asked for fairies. Adam: Nah, he was alright. -
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Grumpy
Viv: Are you scared of Harry? Adam: No... Viv: He said you always had a right cob on. Adam: Yeah, he thinks I'm grumpy. Me: You are grumpy. Adam: (smiles) No hours for you next week. -
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Mr Grumpy
(when Elliot came into work to take over from me, as my shift had ended) Adam: Elliot, she called me grumpy. I'm not grumpy, am I? Elliot: (hesitantly) No. Adam: I love you, Elliot. -
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Notes Things That Happen At Work(After me and my manager have spent twenty minutes moving a fixture closer to the wall) Me: Are you happy now? We moved the shelf five inches closer to the wall. Adam: Hey, to some blokes, five inches is a lot! (grins and heads to his office) -
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On the Subject of Skeletons...
Mark: Skeletons have spines, don't they? Me: ...yeah? Mark: Oh, I meant pigs have spines! -
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Notes On The Subject Of Crying...[whilst watching a film] Me: Can you hear next door's baby crying? Chloe: Yeah. It's not even the sad part yet. Me: I know. Chloe: I really want to knock the wall down and hug that baby. -
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On the Subject of Things...
[seeing my jobseekers advisor, David] David: So what happened? Me: I lost both of my jobs. David: You never do things by halves, do you? (laughs) -
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On the Subject of Leaving...
Tiago: It's your last night tonight, isn't it? Me: Yeah Tiago: Thank fuck! [hugs me] -
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On the Subject of Fever...
[after I have sneezed three times in a row] Chloe: You have hay fever. Me: You don't get hay fever in January. Chloe: So you have snow fever.
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I loved Star Trek but I think it was missing a scene where Kirk makes Spock take him and the Tribble out for ice cream.
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SAGGERS
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is it just me or is talking to your hairdresser the most uncomfortable thing in the world
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“As a child I never heard one woman say to me, “I love my body.” Not my mother, my elder sister, my best friend. No one woman has ever said, “I am so...”
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fun fact one time robert pattinson was supposed to get punk’d at the bar where my cousin works and they got all the employees...
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my brother made a ‘hammock’ and has been watching tv like that for an hour
